That Floating Poo Was Far Too Symbolic! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we consider the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate spin-off? Burdened with woeful scripts, painful character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the final series started, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then arrived an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner announced this would be the final season. It ended on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was simply too symbolic. Still, viewers undeniably had a hoot dissecting every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was almost the smallest of this show's problems. The subject of a very rare no-star assessment, it was hard to know where to start enumerating the problems. The laughably leaden dialogue? The tedious glorification of affluence and consumption? The almost wilful procession of cliches? Acting so bad they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this series again. However, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Given the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and fatherly shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d really have known it from this multi-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive excess while struggling to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this show might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charming but dismissive egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer admiration for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
MobLand
Dodgy figures meeting in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
Actually, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many look a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to indulge baffling dialects. But there were plenty of other problems. Primarily that it was just really boring; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various cockney picaresques which felt a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she provokes the ire of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s almost tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into quaint homemaking as deliberate statements. But then you view them and are forced to admit that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue animated; a meme for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark platitudes and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are obviously fascinating things to be said about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, self-image, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this three-part series opted not to say them. Instead, the experience was akin to reading a sales brochure. She obviously has every right to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded letdown of a series.
The Inheritance
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too confusing to explain what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up smelling of a programme that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was immense for this starry romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity friends involved felt icky.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a single joke milked to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar irate mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be treated with care. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lumbering from oddly jaunty, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We admire the lead actor … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a discovery that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for explicit exploits as she undertook her biggest feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was way more examination of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who appeared to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and absolutely no interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.